He is My Nephew
Five days after a baby boy enters this world, he is
finally leaving the hospital. His first days in this new world were surrounded
by doctors and nurses. Now he can go home, not with the people who first gave
him life, but with a new family who will shower him in love and a stable home.
This five day old baby is now a foster child. He is now my foster nephew. Fostering
this child affects his life and the foster family’s lives by having to be this
child’s most stable support system by creating an intimate bond between child
and a parent like figure forms which is essential to the child’s upbringing.
However, this bond can cause pain underneath all the love being shared and that
develops a struggle in fostering.
When a child is brought into a foster home, the family
doesn’t know how long they will have him/her. They go to countless court dates
and various home visits to make sure the child is being cared for properly.
Sometimes they bring the child to a visitation with a parent and the parent
doesn’t even show up, multiple times in a row. The only family the child begins
to see is his/her foster family and that child becomes attached to them. This
foster family is the one who makes the child laugh, comforts the child when
they cry, and makes sure they have food on the table. The responsibilities of a
foster family are not just the physical needs, but the child’s need for love
and affection.
This family bond is a two way street between foster
parents and child. The foster family knows that one day will be their last day with
them, but that doesn’t stop them from giving this one child all the love in
their hearts. Fostering allows for people to shower the child in the love they
deserve and not just half of it. It is hard to be a foster parent, because
fostering is unpredictable. That child is yours for now, but the bond that is
created makes it seem like you will have them forever.
One of the things that people
struggle with in having this bond is when to love the and when to hold back to
protect yourself. People hold back from giving love to someone, because they
are afraid that he/she will leave. In the foster care system, kids do leave.
They stay for a short amount of time of one month or for longer time of four years,
but it is not fair to hold back love from them. These kids did not choose the
foster care life, they were placed into it. People say that those kids are the
ones who need love, but honestly, the foster parents need that love too. People
who come in contact with foster kids fall in love with them, just as easily as
the parents did, and want to cherish and remember every moment with them.
The
child then begins to create bond with their foster parents as their “mom and
dad.” That five day old baby is now almost six months old and he is my nephew.
My nephew can take one look at his foster mom, my sister, and smile. To that
little baby, his “foster” mom is HIS mom. The only mother he has ever known is
his foster mom. It may not be biological, but while he is in her life for whatever
amount of time, that is her son too. The bond of watching him roll over for the
first time, or scream because he is just so happy playing with his new teething
toy is unbreakable. This bond is what makes fostering kids worth it.
Fostering
is worth the constant struggle to answer the question, “Why can’t I live with
my mommy? Or where’s my daddy?” Sometimes the child gets to go back to their
biological parents and that’s a fantastic thing. However, the foster parents
that have become so in love with that child will always be wondering what sport
he is playing, how she will look in her prom dress, or even is their child
safe. For a short amount of time, that child was theirs and they will continue
to worry and think about him for the rest of their lives. Now some people may
see this struggle as something that is impossible to live with. It is hard, but
achievable. You are taking in a child who has no place else to go and giving
them a home. That makes the pain a little bearable and the impossible,
possible.
A
downside of being involved in the fostering process is not knowing where that
child will end up. If the child goes back to the birth family, then you wonder
about repeat of what happened the first time to get him/her in the foster care
system. As the foster parent, you want to protect that child with everything
you have until you aren’t able to anymore. The system only allows you a short
amount of time with that child up until they are settled in a permanent home. Once
that child is gone, it is harder to keep contact with the child because your
visitation rights are decided on by the child’s new family.
Other times, the parent’s rights to the child
are lost for various reasons and that child has to find his/her forever home.
That home may be with the foster family and that child will know that he/she
will be loved and supported for as long as they live. Sometimes, however, that
child will go through the adoption process and the foster family will be there
to support that child all the way through the process. The foster family will
cry tears of joy when that child has found a forever home where they will be
loved, or when the child is welcomed into a part of their family for the rest
of their lives officially. Experiencing when a child finds their permanent home
is a joy of being involved in the fostering process.
Being
an aunt means that I get to experience the joys of fostering, but I also see
the hardships. Notice how I didn’t say “foster aunt” because I don’t consider
my nephew to be just a temporary part of our family. He may not be a part of my
family’s lives forever, but he is my first and will always be my first nephew,
no matter how he was brought into my family. He is a part of my family and I am
a part of his. I have been one of the first faces he has seen outside of
doctors and nurses, because I have the opportunity to make a difference in a
newborn baby’s life. My sister gives her son a place to call home, a crib to
sleep in, and a welcoming family who are always ready to pick him up and give
him a kiss.
That little boy that I held for the first time
at five days old has brought so much love and new experiences to my life that I
wouldn’t trade the past six months for anything. These six months may be the
beginning of our relationship or it may be the relationship that I keep for a
couple more months then he is no longer in my life. That is a hardship of
fostering. Myself and all those involved in the fostering community may have to
say goodbye one day, or maybe even welcome him/her into their family forever.
However, when I hear the nickname Big A, my eyes will light up in delight of
the time I did get to spend with him. I know that no matter what home or with
what family he ends up with, he will continue to light up someone’s life the
way that he does mine.
Fostering
affects me when I see the way that my sister and brother in law handle their
son with such affection and protection. They always have the thought in the
back of their minds that this may not last forever but they still have the
courage to do it. I respect them and all of the foster parents out there who
accept the challenge of loving someone for even a short amount of time. In that
time, it’s enough for that child to say “I love you” and not want to leave the
safest home they have ever belonged to. They belong in what seems like 2
families at once: one is his biological family, and the other is his foster
family who he has spent the last amount of his life with.
Now
the five day old foster baby is almost six month old and likes to scream like a
baby pterodactyl. He is teething on anything his hands can reach, and sometimes
even his own hands and feet. I am attached to my nephew and I want to protect
him in all the ways I can. I want to make him smile and laugh. I am not the
only person involved in the foster care system who gets attached to these temporary
kids. Being involved in fostering gives many others and me the opportunity to
bring a stable home and love to kids who may not have had the opportunity to
have that before. Fostering is worth the struggle of saying goodbye, knowing
that your time with them was spent full of love.
